For anybody who lived any number of years on this Earth, it is clear that one cannot do things alone. We need our parents to take care of us when we grow up, otherwise, we would not survive. We need social support groups to go through the good and bad times of our lives. We need competent teams to create meaningful things. We need friendships for all kinds of things and we crave partners with whom to go through life together. Movement practice has many facets, and one of the main pillars of it is the community. You cannot develop all the best in you without feedback and your practice is not complex enough if you do not interact with other people as part of it. What does it mean to be a good partner?
It is very important to surround yourself with people who share your values and speak the same language, there is no arguing with that. However, this also contains a hazard of creating a bubble where your delusions are reinforced and your ideas are never challenged. This is dangerous for many reasons that we will not get in here, but it often happens because people prefer to seem nice rather than saying what they really think. “Being nice” is much over-evaluated quality nowadays. In my world, being nice is not a virtue. Am I being nice when I am calling out someone’s inappropriate behavior that is destructive for themselves and the people around? Or when I criticize a friend’s work that is poorly done? Or when I simply challenge someone’s idea just for the sake of it? Likely, not, and in most cases it will not be perceived as such by the receiver, but if I act from good faith, being critical and open about it has much more value than being nice to the person and sugarcoat everything for them. If you are not capable of taking criticism, you are unteachable; you close yourself to the chance of becoming better. Oftentimes there is much more value in holding a mirror to someone than being nice to them.
William Blake said: “Good willed opposition aimed at the disclosure of essential truth is true friendship.” For me, there was always much more value in friendship where I knew that whatever happens I will be told the truth. It includes the truth about myself in different contexts, however unpleasant it might be at the moment. We all have seen talent shows where people perform ridiculously, so the entire audience laughs at them and they are humiliated on national television. My best guess is that it happens because nobody around them told the truth of how much more work needs to be done on whatever it is they are working on, but rather preferred to not say anything or simply lied to their face about how amazing their performance is, just for the sake of “being nice” to them. Another great example is politicians, as soon as they get to power and surround themselves with ass-lickers, they completely lose touch with reality. From the outside, it looks pathetic, and I feel bad that these people have no one around them to point out their delusions. When we give honest feedback to someone, we indicate the direction in which this person can get better. We contribute to their growth by being honest instead of simply blowing their ego. In most cases, being honest throws out of the window being nice. It is great to applause someone when they are doing well and recognize their achievements. Nevertheless, it is also useful to remember that in life, your only final arrival is to the grave, so while you are still breathing there is always room to grow.
Of course, you want to receive feedback only from those who you know want the best for you. Mindless criticism is just as useless as mindless praise, so I would consider checking the sources of either of those. Make sure that the person is acting of good faith and not from the envy or desire to flatter. Honesty, good intentions towards your persona, and certain expertise on the matter are important factors to consider when you listen to other people’s opinions. I would not take seriously criticism from someone who is obviously in disdain towards me, nor from someone who clearly doesn’t know what they are talking about. Therefore, the number one rule here is to surround yourself with people who are both benevolent towards you and have an eye for the quality. Any community thrives when each member of it contributes to the growth of others. “You are just as strong as your weakest link” principle is also applicable to groups of people.
To be a good practitioner, you need to have good partners and learn to be one for them. Our community is built around this idea, it is a necessary component of the whole thing. If you do not interact with other people, your development is not complete, you are not creating a system that can truly adapt to the real world. I assume nobody wants to be that person everybody is avoiding to partner with, so here are few practical tips that might help:
First of all, it takes a significant amount of self-reflection to recognize if this is happening, that you are being the one nobody likes to work with. When in the room full of people you are questioning who that might be, it is highly possible that the answer is in the mirror.
Remember that when your job is to give other people a stimulus for growth, you must understand the parameters for a given task. Make sure to pay attention to the instructions and details. Do not hesitate to ask someone who knows better if you are not sure.
Learn to recognize who is in front of you and meet them where they are at – sometimes you need to slow down so the person can work, and sometimes you need to push them harder. We use an 80/20 principle for that: if your partner is always doing everything wrong, then you are pushing too much and the person is not learning; if the success rate is 100% then this is too easy and the person is not learning. 80% success rate is a good mark for this. You want to challenge them enough so you trigger growth, but not as much as to get them frustrated.
Be as interested in creating an environment for them that is rich in learning, as you would want them to create for yourself. The idea is not to screw the partner and win at all costs; the idea is to make them learn something through interaction with you. Be curious about it. You become a teacher at this moment. It is a huge task.
Give feedback when you recognize that something is off and if you are sure of what you are talking about. Do not do it for the sake of trying to look knowledgeable - there is no necessity to be a jerk for no reason, either. Do not overload them with information though, sometimes it is challenging enough for people to follow. Dose things appropriately, one at a time.
Be there for them, not waiting to give unasked advice that will make you feel good about yourself, but in order to cultivate the real desire to see other people getting better at something. Because they feel it and if it is genuine - they will give it back to you. When it happens – everybody wins.