I was extremely lucky all my life. I am saying that because I have had an incredible opportunity to have amazing mentors since I was born. Coming from a lineage of military men, I grew up having respect for authority. The fact that my father was a well-read and morally aligned martial arts practitioner and teacher helped me to develop not blind obedience to it, but the ability to keep my critical thinking when handing my trust over to another person. It helped me immensely in life.
Nowadays, having a mentor is something that is not seen as much of a value. Many think that free access to information is already making them capacitated to be a holder and transmitter of knowledge. There is no interest in walking long paths, neither there is an interest in having a figure to align yourself with morally and conceptually. We want to put our own name on everything, without actually deserving it.
As a famous quote goes: “The world stands on the shoulders of giants”. This is true for everything, but in the West, we are very impatient. Occidental societies have been long encouraging mediocrity and telling us that everyone is capable of everything on their own. This is true to an extend – anything of value can be only learned by one’s own experience – but very few will be able to achieve anything of significance without mentors.
In many oriental cultures rituals and mystery have always surrounded the relationship between a teacher – the holder of the knowledge, and a student – the one who wants to obtain it. One has to prove his worth to be mentored. Schools in these cultures are built on very rigid hierarchies, which are the hierarchies of merit, experience, and integrity. For instance, to become a master of traditional tattooing in Japan, a student comes into the studio, and during the first 5 years, he is only allowed to clean the place and observe the teacher at work. After this, he spends 5 more years doing tasks related to the art, but without actual access to it – like making needles and mixing the colors. Next 5 years he will be learning the actual craft from the master. So only after 15 years of preliminary practices, the pupil is considered worthy of calling himself a tattoo artist. In the West this way of doing things is unthinkable. There are all kinds of certifications created for all kinds of activities. People become coaches and trainers after courses of 3 months' duration or even just a weekend. After such a short introduction, they are supposed to be able to help people fix something in their lives. The only places where having a teacher is still a thing are some martial arts schools, where hierarchies are still respected, but also quite watered down for the sake of satisfying the public.
For me, having a teacher is as important as a relationship with your family members, true friends, or spouse. There is beauty and fulfillment in it that no other connection will give. It is a very important part of human life and development. Putting trust in someone, and letting them lead your way is a very intimate process. It transforms everything about you, allows you to find your own voice and understand yourself. It is a tricky thing to find someone that is trustworthy and who will not dissolve you in their personality, as happens at times with strong people. But it is always possible if you really look. My teacher, Ido Portal, laid out there a “holy trinity” of finding a good teacher:
Walk the talk. “No fat nutritionist or virgin sexologists”. Never trust someone who doesn't practice what they teach.
Show me your students. If someone can do impressive things but haven’t helped anyone to do the same – most likely they won’t be able to help you.
No bullshit. A good teacher must be able to explain what they base themselves on and what is their process.
Sounds easy on paper, but not so simple to encounter. I will encourage everyone to keep looking though.
We, humans, are constantly under the influence of our ego. We tend to not like criticism and to not acknowledge our blind spots. Recognizing them and changing is the only way to truly grow. I do not want to say you need to take any criticism from anyone – make sure people who you listen to want you to thrive and prosper, and that they know what they are talking about. From experience with my teachers, they were always masterfully capable of showing me what I turn a blind eye to and help me clean the mess, whether explicitly or making myself recognize it and take steps towards becoming better. All these relationships were and still are of the most fulfilling parts of my life.
“Find a place you trust and try trusting it for a while”, as sister Corita Kent skillfully put in her infamous rules for teachers and students, popularized by John Cage. Finding such a place is not easy, it took me a while to recognize it and make a decision that this is where I belong. But as soon as I had it clear, putting trust in my teacher and the process brought me nothing but fulfillment and also trust in myself. It continues making me a better person every day.