What is criticism? In essence, it is information about a subject involving thoughtful and thorough examination, offering insights and different perspectives contributing to improvement in the subject’s quality. Formal criticism exists in fields such as arts, sciences, and literature, where experts evaluate the strengths, weaknesses, and impacts of a subject in question. However, in interpersonal relationships, the notion of criticizing someone often carries a negative connotation, and people try to avoid it at all costs. From my point of view, this approach creates more problems than solutions. Honest criticism made in good faith is extremely important to maintain robust relationships that support continuous improvement of all the parts involved. So how can we approach criticism in a better way?
There are many factors involved in how an individual views criticism. The relationship with receiving and giving criticism is largely dependent on the upbringing of the person. In some cultures, providing negative feedback is such a taboo that even in the work environment, where it is extremely important to hold everyone up to a certain standard, people would go to lengths to avoid giving straightforward criticism to their coworkers, even subordinates. In her book “Culture Map,” Erin Meyer describes an anecdote that caused a lot of confusion in the company where she worked as a consultant. A woman from France, who was used to receiving negative feedback straightforwardly, was transferred to the United States for work. When after a probation period her new bosses called her into a meeting to evaluate her progress, she got an impression of them praising her and being incredibly happy with the results she produced, when in reality they were very close to replacing her with someone else. The confusion was caused by the fact that people in the US are used to sugarcoat every piece of criticism, and for one piece of negative feedback, they give five pieces of positive one. When in France, your superior would give you a straight and honest evaluation of strengths and weaknesses, without trying to tune it down in case of bad performance. No surprise the woman in question got confused and interpreted the evaluation differently from what was intended!
People often avoid being honest with their friends or family, for fear of offending them and sabotaging the relationship. It ends up in cascades of white lies and half-truths that distort the perception of the real situation for the people involved, which often leads to conflict. I argue that honesty is the most important part of any relationship, and the biggest help that I can provide to a close person is giving them a piece of criticism when it is needed. There is a fine line, however, between being simply judgmental and offering constructive advice. Giving criticism in a good way is kind of an art form. Understanding when and how to offer it is a skill in itself. It requires a certain sensitivity, the ability to read a situation, and, of course, knowing the personality of the individual in question. For criticism not to become toxic, it has to be done in good faith and from a place of wanting to help.
When you want someone to teach you, what is it you expect from this person? The problem today is that people expect to be affirmed in every step they take, and not be criticized at all, when in reality criticism is exactly what you pay for when hiring a teacher. It often happens that negative feedback causes aversion in the receiver and makes him feel offended. There is a reason for that: when the words of another person touch you deeply it means that they indicate something that you know to be true but do not want to admit to yourself. Carl Jung presented an archetype of the psyche called “Shadow,” with which he referred to the traits that we do not see in ourselves, and which, precisely because of this blindness, control our behavior. Whenever we come in contact with “The Shadow,” this will always rub us the wrong way, especially when someone external indicates it. This moment of collision is a place where incredible growth can be found if you are ready to take it and work with it. When someone offers you a piece of criticism, it means that they see something that can be improved, at least from their point of view. More often than not, we ourselves are not able to see these parts. Recognizing these “shadows” within oneself takes a lot of practice and effort. While we are not capable of doing it on our own, an outside observer can serve us as a mirror, and this is something to be grateful for.
When you choose a teacher, you must trust them and their opinion. Trust is a crucial element in this type of relationship. If you find such a person, learn to take criticism in a good way, with calm and understanding that it is part of the deal. If you are not open to receiving criticism, you make yourself unteachable. Applying criticism to poke holes in your practice fuels it and helps you to navigate better the ways of improvement.
Does that mean any criticism should always be listened to and taken at face value? Of course not. There are a few things to consider:
Is the person who gives you criticism well-meaning? What is your relationship with this person? Is the individual offering feedback genuinely invested in your improvement, or is there a hidden agenda? I would not recommend listening to criticism from total strangers, or people in your life who are you not so sure about. I would not take into consideration the opinion of someone who is not a friend, or especially any random person (particularly on the Internet)
Does this person possess what they are talking about? Do they have skin in the game? Whether it is a specific skill or a personality trait, I would only consider taking advice from someone who is coherent with what they say and do.
Be mindful of personal biases or envy that may influence the critic's perspective. Criticism rooted in envy or personal agendas may not be genuinely constructive and could detract from your confidence and progress. Take care to discern between well-meaning feedback and criticism driven by ulterior motives.
And most importantly: do you respect this person? Because otherwise, I do not see why you would be interested in their opinion.
There is a difference between criticism and mere judgment. Judgment often entails making a definitive assessment without offering helpful guidance for improvement. It can be subjective, based on personal biases or superficial observations, and may lack empathy or understanding of the individual's circumstances. The constructive criticism will be given in good faith and suggest directions for improvement. It focuses on specific behaviors or actions rather than making sweeping conclusions about a person's abilities or worth, it should acknowledge the potential for growth and offer guidance on how to address weaknesses effectively. Saying to someone simply: “You are not good at this” as compared to: “Here are the things you could improve,” are worlds apart.
There is also the art of giving criticism. It has a lot to do with circumventing the ego of the person and adapting the way of presenting information for any given individual. It is a multifaceted skill that requires a delicate balance of empathy, insight, tact, and the ability to read people. In the book mentioned before, “The Culture Map,” Erin Meyer goes to huge lengths to describe cultural differences in the ways people give feedback. Someone from Russia is much more used to direct and crude feedback than someone from Spain, for example. In some cultures, people can take it as an offense when you are talking to them in a certain way. In others, they will be expecting you to give them the list of all the shortcomings and will be surprised if you don’t. The skill of a good boss, or a good teacher is to read the person and know how and when to give them feedback. Giving criticism extends beyond merely choosing the right words—it encompasses the tone, timing, and context in which feedback is delivered. Employing a supportive and constructive tone can mitigate defensiveness and foster receptivity to feedback. Similarly, choosing the right moment to provide criticism, when the addressee is receptive and open to discussion, can enhance its impact and effectiveness. Sometimes, however, people are not able to take criticism due to their ego, no matter how constructive. In such cases, sometimes the wisest thing to do is just let go.
The humble attitude that seeks constructive criticism to progress is what separates people who are constantly improving and those who stagnate. The crux lies not only in being able to receive criticism but also in leveraging it to navigate the pathways of improvement. The pursuit of excellence demands not just a celebration of one's strengths but an acknowledgment and proactive refinement of one's weaknesses. Even those with less natural abilities in a given field, but who are able to take in negative feedback and advance on the base of it, can develop incredible abilities and become extraordinary people.